Tuesday, January 04, 2011

I am ashamed

This is a rare thing for me....to let down my guard.....to be vulnerable..to confess....but I am ashamed.

When I graduated high school I weighted a mere 96 pounds.  I remember folks would fuss at me that I needed to put some "meat on my bones".  22 years later and fixing to turn "40" this year, I realize that I don't think they meant this much "meat". 

I have allowed myself to play games with my health.  Using the excuse that tomorrow I would start to watch what I eat, to exercise, to get healthy.  I have lied to myself for so long that I'm so overwhelmed with what is really in front of me.

Its not a mid-life crisis...its tired of being tired all the time, being winded when I play with my little girl, climbing up the steps to church and feeling like I need a break, of my knees and back hurting, of not being in the mood, of being worried if the chest pain and tightening I'm feeling is a heart attack, worrying that I've got diabetes like my parents, worrying if I will see my daughter grow up, and the list goes on.

I've yo-yo diet for so long, not sticking with anything....in my head I know what I need to do - its just getting it out without becoming so overwhelmed that I want to throw in the towel immediately. 

I was reading a blog post this morning from a few days ago, Prior Fat Girl and she said the following:

"A raw moment in life when all of a sudden, I realized that I was responsible for who I am. I allowed myself to look in the mirror and stop playing games. I started to fight because I knew I had no other option. It was either allow myself to continue to complain about how unhappy I was…or do something about it.
I started my healthiness journey because I had a choice. As I sit here today, I am reminded about why this healthiness journey is so important. I am reminded about why I began, and why forever, it is important for me to keep close to my heart, those feelings about why I started."

Unfortunately I haven't started but everything she said made sense.....I do need to stop playing game with my health/weight.  I need to start to fight.  There is no other option.  I must do something about it. I have a choice.

At this point I am sad, I am hurt, I am mad - I am ashamed.

I am hoping that it takes these feelings to fire me up and get me off my butt and do something about it. About all this weight, about being unhealthy.

So now I am face with the overwhelming thought "what is the starting point".................any suggestions?


Cammy said...

Such raw and honest thoughts. They ARE your starting point. You know you don't want to live like this and now you can begin to take control.

You know I favor the small steps route. :) Why not pick one thing to tackle first? Exercise? Changing your eating? Adding in some veggies?

Tricia@onceamonthmom.com said...

I came over because my blog dashboard indicated that you had mentioned Once A Month Mom. Not sure that you really had but glad I came.

First of all, I want to encourage you in your journey. The first step really is confessing it to others to enlist their help.

If you have never read Kat at House of Hills (houseofhills.org) she has a Friday series called "Losing It" and it really is an encouraging community for losing weight.

We just days ago started the DIET Once A Month Mom menu so perhaps that would help you get meal time under control a little bit when everything else is crazy.

Either way I will be praying for you and please feel free to email or ask for my assistance in connecting with resources.

Anonymous said...

Gurl....I feel your pain. I haven't setup my blog yet. I have been working on that for the past six months. I mostly stalk blogs but when I read yours I had to break my stalking rountine.

I didn't see your weight posted but I currently weigh 230. Six months ago, it was 280. I was able to maintain during the holidays which I think was a huge accomplishment for me.

I have found a love with working out however my weakness is food.

I will keep coming back to see how you are doing and let you know once I have my blog up.

Keep fighting!


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